Definitively since 4th grade gymnastics.
There is a picture of me from horse camp the summer before fifth grade. I'm wearing jeans and a baggy Glacier sweatshirt. I looked thin. Cue me wearing this sweatshirt every day of fifth grade.
Ten years later, most everything I wear and every one of my movements is to try and look thinner. I cross my arms, hold my coat or a pillow over my midsection. Every single time without fail that I pass a mirror or a clear window I look over, suck in and usually sigh (whether in relief or defeat).
I still hate my body and by body I mean my stomach and by stomach I mean the five inch area from my belly button to right where a pair of jeans would hit. I can't tell you why. I know how tragic and ridiculous and unhealthy my mindset. I'm no idiot. I hear the body positive PSA's, I see the outrage at Victoria's Secret ads.
I'm incredibly lucky to never have fallen into a disorder such as anorexia or binge eating. However, that doesn't invalidate my problem. I still have a problem and I still don't appreciate who I am, what I am. I need to.
I started this blog to be healthy, to give advice to try and share progress and my goals.
Not to be a hypocrite.
However, in any journey there are bad days; there are days of utter defeat, sadness, and the realization that maybe you had it all wrong the entire time. I love fitness, I love clean eating, I love reaching goals and overcoming adversity.
However, moderation is truly the key. Bread, M&M's, running, workout formulas. it's all a process.
I have gotten to the point where the pressure on myself to work out everyday, to eat 6 balanced healthy meals of adequate protein and starches and fruits has lead me into this utter despair when I can't accomplish it on some days.
Even after all of these good days and great workouts and incredible menus, I still hate my body. I still poke and prod my tummy. I still am holding a pillow over my stomach.
However, I'm learning. I'm learning that it's just as important to step back from exercise as it is to step back from cookie dough to maintain your health and sanity. I'm also learning the importance of moderation and the idea that there is always tomorrow.
I don't want to despise working out. I desperately don't want to dread that time of day with fear of thinking "what's the point. I'll never be thin". It's imperative that I work out and eat right for the right reasons, on my own terms. I need to be able to balance those treats and those days I need to go for a run for my and everyone I know's sanity.
I mostly need to focus on me, my school, my mental health.
So. my newest maleable plan: I'm going to work out three days a week at least. I need to do three just so I don't die of stress. I'm going to lift, do legs, do abs. Just time at the gym or doing a Beachbody work out to detox a bad day, to maintain a healthy lifestyle.
I'm going to eat as clean as I can. I'm just going to focus on drinking water and portion sizes for awhile. Keeping a food diary is easy for me so that will be the extent of my meal planning. I need to loosen up on this aspect of my life because I don't have the time to make time to make it a priority. I have big dreams and small wallets and if I'm going to make any progress in accepting my body it has to come from positivities in all aspects.
I haven't found the secret yet to feeling great about myself. I have moments of great pride and appreciation for my mind and my strength and my body and a lot of the time I'm stressing about how I look, how people are seeing me. It's a constant battle. and it's one that I'm fighting like hell. One I've been fighting like hell since I was nine years old. That's okay. It's okay.
Don't be scared to say it. It's okay to feel weak and hopeless. It's okay to not finish that workout. It's okay to not do abs today. Fight for you. Fight for what will make you truly happy today and tomorrow. As long as you are willing to accept your state of being you are willing to fight; you have the ability to fight, you have the ability to win your fight. Allow yourself to win your fight.
I'm not a quitter. I'm still GetWhitFit. I'm just trying to figure it all out and make those small moments of pride into a great long life of love and appreciation of myself.
